Blind
by spacemonkey69
Summary: [I loved you more than you'll ever know. A part of me died when I let you go] Joey has to let him go. Based on the song 'Blind' by Lifehouse. COMPLETE. MC, JC. Slash implied. Please R


Hi! This is just a little story that I wrote...that I've been planning to write since the first time I heard this gorgeous song! The song is'Blind' by Lifehouse, one of my all time fave bands! If you havent heard this song...well, you must! It is so beautiful and powerful! The lyrics do not do it justice! please, hear it!

Anyway, this is a one off, there will be no more to this! Please read and PLEASE review! Please, please, please!

* * *

_I was young but I wasn't naive  
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave  
And still I have the pain I have to carry  
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried_

He hadn't believed it.

Deep down, he had always thought that it wasn't true. That it was just a fling.

That he would eventually come to his senses, and realise what he was missing out on.

That Chandler would leave her, and figure out that he loved Joey instead.

Joey had always thought that would happen. He had always thought that Monica was just someone to distract Chandler; something to keep him busy until he realised.

Until he realised what Joey already knew.

But now, Chandler was gone.

Not completely gone. Just across the hallway. But it still pained Joey more then anything. The man he had secretly loved for five years had left him, alone in an empty apartment. He had moved in with Monica, and Joey had finally believed.

Chandler loved her.

He would always love her.

Joey had missed his chance. He hadn't told Chandler how he felt. The fear of rejection was too strong. Joey had been rejected before; very few times, but he _had _been rejected. But they had just been random women. Girls that Joey would only know and love for one night.

Chandler wasn't random. Chandler wasn't someone who Joey would know and love for one night.

Joey had known Chandler for six years, and had loved him for five of those years. It wasn't just a crush; Joey had deep feelings. He had never felt this way about someone before, and he knew it was love. He had known it was love for a long time.

But the fear of rejection was too strong. If Chandler said no, Joey would have been shattered. Things would have changed forever. The group would never be the same, and Joey wouldn't be able to spend time with Chandler anymore.

It was better to love him from afar -secretly, but closely – then to not be able to love him at all. Not be able to spend time with him. To look at him. To touch him. To talk to him. To love him.

So Joey never told Chandler.

And now, he was gone.

_After all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
Never thought we'd be here  
When my love for you was blind  
But I couldn't make you see it  
Couldn't make you see it  
That I loved you more than you'll ever know  
A part of me died when I let you go_

Sometimes Joey had wondered.

Wondered whether or not Chandler loved him back.

They had always been close; closer then most.

Closer then best friends, closer then roommates. Joey had called Chandler his brother, secretly wishing he meant lover.

They had done everything together, and Joey had wondered. Chandler would give him these little looks, say these little things and it would make Joey wonder.

Had he ever felt the same?

Had he ever loved Joey, the way that Joey loved him?

If Joey had been brave enough, he would have known. He wouldn't have wondered, he would have known. But Joey's fear of losing Chandler had always been too strong, and he had never known.

There had been times when Joey had gone to tell Chandler; times when he thought it was right. But he would always either back out, or they would be interrupted.

He recalled going over to Chandler's apartment, just after he had moved out. Joey had gone to see if he could move back in, and he had almost told Chandler then. Told him how he felt. He had been so close, and then Eddie had been there.

Eddie. Joey had hated him from the second he laid eyes on him. He had hated him long before Chandler had. Joey had felt threatened. Like Eddie had come to steal Chandler away from him. He had hated the situation and had been secretly pleased when Chandler had started to complain about Eddie.

Joey moving back in had been one of his happiest moments in his life. He was back with Chandler. He was back near the man he loved. But still he didn't tell.

Kathy had come along and that had nearly ruined Joey and Chandler.

Joey had always found it odd that Chandler had fallen for her. He hadn't realised.

Chandler had never figured why Joey had chosen Kathy. Had never worked out just how similar Chandler and Kathy were. Joey had dated her because she had been as close to Chandler as he could get without actually having Chandler.

And Chandler had fallen in love with her.

Joey had been confused. It had been as if Chandler had been falling in love with himself. It had only been after Joey and Kathy broke up that Joey realised just how different the two had been. Kathy wasn't Chandler. She was similar, but she wasn't Chandler.

Joey had been blinded by his desire and had seen only the things in Kathy that he wanted to see. Had seen only the things that made her Chandler. But she hadn't been him. Hadn't even been close.

When Joey had found out that Chandler and Kathy had kissed, he had been mad. He had been furious that Chandler had kissed the one woman that he wanted most. The one woman that was most like Chandler.

Joey hadn't been angry that Chandler had betrayed him; it had irritated him, but he hadn't been angry at that. He had pretended that was the reason, but it really wasn't.

Joey had been angry because he had realised at that moment that Kathy really wasn't Chandler.

And it had hurt.

He had been angry that Chandler chose to kiss Kathy; chose to fall in love with her, but couldn't fall in love with Joey.

He had been angry that Chandler had never loved him.

Joey had hated each time Chandler went out with a girl. Janice had annoyed him, but it wasn't her nasal voice or her ear piercing laugh that made Joey want to rip off his arm and throw it at her. Those aspects helped, but they weren't the reason.

Joey had hated her because Chandler had been in love. He knew that was selfish, but it had been true. Joey wanted Chandler to be happy, but not with her. Not with any girl. He wanted Chandler to be happy with him. He at least wanted things to be like it was before; just the two of them, no Janice, no anyone. Just them, hanging out together. He wanted Chandler to be happy with him.

But Chandler never had been.

And now, he was gone.

_I would fall asleep  
Only in hopes of dreaming  
That everything would be like is was before  
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting  
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor_

Joey hated any girl that Chandler brought home, but once he found out about Monica and Chandler, he had been torn.

Joey adored Monica. He had always adored her, from the moment he laid eyes on her. Before he had fallen in love with Chandler, he had been harbouring a secret crush for the raven haired beauty in Apartment 20.

He adored Monica, and he knew he could never hate her. He had wanted to, so much, when he found out about her and Chandler. Wanted to hate her, just like he had hated all the girls. But he found he couldn't. So he was torn.

He had pretended he was happy for the couple, but he hadn't been. Little hints had slipped through of his disapproval. He would get annoyed any time he caught them kissing. Leave the room any time they started to get intimate. He had hated the situation.

Joey had hoped that it was just a fling; two close friends having sex. But as time went by, Joey had begun to worry. The couple had become closer and closer and Joey had begun to suspect that Chandler had fallen in love. And yet, he still couldn't hate Monica.

He waited for Chandler to realise; waited for Chandler to figure he was in the wrong relationship. But that moment never came, and it killed Joey.

When everybody found out, Joey had been hopeful that it would end the relationship. That Ross would disapprove and it would lead to them breaking up. Joey had waited for that to happen, but it never had. That hope failing and the fact that the couple had admitted their love for one another had eaten Joey up inside.

And still, he pretended.

Pretended he was happy for the couple. He still had wishes that Chandler would come back to him; wishes that he and Monica would break up and Joey could finally have him. Know what it was like to hold him, to kiss him, to love him. Know what it was like to have his feelings returned.

But that had never happened.

And now, Chandler was gone.

_After all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
Never thought we'd be here  
When my love for you was blind  
But I couldn't make you see it  
Couldn't make you see it  
That I loved you more than you'll ever know  
A part of me died when I let you go_

Joey had been known for his womanising.

He had been known for sleeping with girls and then never calling.

There had always been a reason for that. Joey had dated so much because he had been hopeful that, if he slept with enough women, his feelings for Chandler would disappear. It had never happened, but Joey had still been hopeful. He had tried to forget, but his love had always come crawling back. When he was on dates with girls, he would pretend he was talking to Chandler. When he was kissing them, he would pretend it was Chandler. When he was making love to them, he would picture Chandler's face instead of theirs. It had given him a small amount of satisfaction each time, and for a short moment, he had believed that he was with the man he loved.

The satisfaction had quickly disappeared, the girl's face had turned back to her own, and Joey had felt like another part of him had died. The girl would be out the door the next day, without a second look. He had done this so many times he had lost count, and he had never found the satisfaction, the love that he knew he would feel if he was with Chandler. But still, for that moment before the girl changed back into herself, Joey could pretend. He could believe. And that tiny moment, that small hallucination, was more satisfying then anything in the world.

Anything except having Chandler.

Throughout all the girls he dated, and all the time Chandler spent with Monica, Joey could still believe. He could believe that Chandler would one day love him. He could hold onto that little fantasy.

And even though he couldn't have Chandler, he still got to be with him. Talk to him, hug him, be with him. Joey was able to wake up, walk out his bedroom and see Chandler there. He was able to eat breakfast with him, read lines with him, watch Baywatch with him, play foosball with him. They were able to do that each and every day. Not as much since Chandler had been going out with Monica, but they still were able to. Joey was able to sit up and wait for Chandler to come home, knowing that he would be sleeping in the next room; sometimes alone, sometimes with Monica. But he was still in the next room, and Joey was as happy as he could be. Not as happy as he would be if he and Chandler were together, but he still was happy. Chandler was still here, under his roof, where Joey could be with him, spend time with him, live with him, protect him. He could live with him and wait and hope for the day that Chandler could be his.

And then the bombshell had been dropped. Chandler was leaving. Chandler was moving in with Monica. And Joey's world had been shattered once more. He had known then. Known that their little love affair was going to continue. Known that they were going to grow old together, have children together, and die together. Known that Joey didn't have a chance.

Joey had let Chandler go.

Perhaps things might have been different if he had told Chandler. Told him how he felt. Chandler could have loved him back. But Joey couldn't make him see it. Especially not now. He couldn't do that to Monica. Couldn't do that to Chandler. Monica was the best thing that had happened to him and Joey couldn't try to take that away. Couldn't try to confuse him.

So Joey had let him go.

He had let him go, knowing that he would be just across the hall, with the woman he loved. So close, yet so far away. Joey had never told Chandler, and he had to deal with that.

He had to move on.

There would be other women. Not men, never men. Chandler was the only man he had ever been attracted to. Chandler was the only man he had ever loved.

Chandler had always been there for him; supporting him, taking care of him. He had always been there for Joey, and now Joey had to do the same in return.

He had to support Chandler; support him by never telling him. Taking care of him by supporting Monica and Chandler's love. Had to take care of Chandler by leaving his feelings by the door.

He had to move on.

He had to get past these feelings; get past his love for Chandler, and move on. He couldn't hang on to an empty dream. It was time for him to move on.

Joey realised this as he sat in his now empty apartment. Chandler was gone. He had left that day. Joey was all alone now. But he had to move on. Had to let Chandler go.

He put an ad out for a new roommate. Non smoker, non ugly.

That was his way of moving on.

He hoped that his feelings for Chandler would fade within time. They hadn't yet, but there was still time. But even if they didn't fade, he would have to cope. Because his love was blind.

But he knew that if Chandler ever came back, if he and Monica ever broke up, Joey would be there in an instant. He would tell Chandler how he felt. He wouldn't miss his chance, not again. If he had a chance, he would take it. But for now, he was moving on.

If that ever happened, he would act.

But until then, his love was blind.

_After all this time  
Would you ever wanna leave it  
Maybe you could not believe it  
That my love for you was blind  
But I couldn't make you see it  
Couldn't make you see it  
That I loved you more than you will ever know  
A part of me died when I let you go  
And I loved you more than you'll ever know  
A part of me dies when I let you go_


End file.
